Lately I have paused to take stock of my life, how I feel about it and what I want from it. The moment that caused this was going to a friends wedding in October (which was beautiful). I had not seen any of my friends back home nor had I been back since I started TFA in June. Being with everyone and having such a fun care-free time made me realize with stark contrast how unhappy I had become with out even noticing it. One part of this is that for the first time in my life I am doing something that I am not naturally good at. Being a teacher takes a lot of work and a lot of practice, natural ability doesn’t take you far (at least it didn’t for me). All of my life I have done things that come naturally to me or that I feel I am good at, and being a teacher has really thrown me and my self confidence for loop. It is hard work, my mentor says its the hardest work, and until I had my own classroom I doubted that but no longer. Every day I am drained physically and emotionally because you cannot help but try to give these kids everything you have. For the first time what I put in doesn’t just effect me, it effects 17 of the littlest learners. If I do not pull myself together practice, plan, and give 100% it can literally effect these kids for the rest of their lives, that’s just where they are developmentally. It is terrifying and hard.
Another part of it is that being an adult is so much harder than I ever expected. You have to actively work at things that in college seemed to just come naturally or spontaneously into your life. For example, in college it is so easy to hang out with friends or meet new people. As an adult aside from my wonderful roommate, I actually have to plan out when to hang out with people. This is part of being an adult that I did not expect, that we would all be so busy working and working at home and trying to have lives that you actually have to make set plans to spend time with people. Don’t get me wrong some natural and spontaneous hanging out does happen, but not nearly as much as in college.Friendship as an adult is so different and harder then at any other point in my life.
I took a lot of things for granted in college. This has pushed me to start noticing my life and to make plans on how to get myself to where I want to be. It isn’t easy and I cannot say that after working for a couple weeks to become happier that I am now absolutely loving my new life, but it is better. Everyday it gets better.
(Plus I get to come home to my puppy!)
We're Just Getting Started 